The Problem with Kerry 's Prose

On July 4th Kerry wrote a phenomenally bad op/ed piece in the Washington Post.

Let's look at the highlights.

"Together, we should jump-start large-scale involvement with an international high commissioner to coordinate economic assistance and organize and implement these diplomatic initiatives."

Notice the awkwardnesses here. "jump-start large-scale...": rhythmically awkward--I hear it as "Sponge-Bob Square-Pants. And the imagery is murky. A visceral action verb with "involvement" as its object. Not just any involvement mind you--"large-scale involvement." Bland, bland, bland. Next: "to coordinate...and organize and implement these diplomatic initiatives." (What diplomatic initiatives? Oh something uninspired about sharing the spoils of war with Europe.) We should "coordinate," we should "organize," and we should "implement"; these are things that Washington bureaucrats do right? Outsider mavericks in touch with the heart of America, like Bush, "defend," they "go into" and they "remove."

But after he has brought this lugubrious passage to a merciful end, Kerry concludes:

"Then, having taken these dramatic steps, we could realistically call on NATO to step up to its responsibilities."

My favorite "dramatic step" is to implement, but to coordinate runs a close second.

Now Watch the next sentence:

"Our goal should be an alliance commitment to deploy a major portion of the peacekeeping force that will be needed in Iraq for a long time to come."

Look at those prepositional phrases. The sentence telescopes out like a torpid slinky (remember "...it makes a slinkity sound"?)

Kerry is in trouble here rhetorically, and elsewhere when he speaks in this way. Kerry's propensity to agglomerate clauses is no match for Bush's spare, declarative sentences, tricolons with sparse adjectival or adverbial adornment, action verbs, and concrete diction.

By July 12 Kerry had a new approach, and new style--much improved. I hope to see more of it. I'll call it his "Post-Fahrenheit Pathos" I'll get to that in another post.